ekkies is dum

A treatise on the other races, by a goblin. Original text by Igrak Frog Eat, “translated” by Marco Denno Pommia.

ekkies is dum
by igrak frog eat

hyumies
hyumies is evryware. no like gobbos. spit meny werd at gobbos, also shute meny arow. sumtime me take fishies frum hyumie. very sneke. ete good fishies. Igrak very smarte. hyumie see me onse but no cach. he no cach an me so happy me laf at hyumie. haha ha haha ha me laf like this. hyumies so dum for not catch an let me take fishies. see other hyumies befoure but me run faste away becuse hyumies HATE gobbos and gobbos HATE hyumies. mud lump treibe gobbo tel me hyumies KILL gobbos bad in uther swomp

beardies
beardies not liv nere heare. only one gobbo see beardies befoure. guk muskrat tail cut tel me beardies yel loud an hate gobbos more then hyumies. me daut. guk also say beardies no like swomp. not understand no like swomp. have fish have leaf have mud. swomp have all

elfs
see elfs one time. only one elfs. she did the majiks not kill gobbos only go away. no see no more. she just go. but mud lump gobbo tel me many elfs with many hyumies wen kill gobbos in uther swomp so me scarde elfs. sumtime think me see elfs far away but then is only ded turdle tie to tree me make an forget. then me like turdle tree make so happy

pinkies
me make song hope you like HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES HATE PINKIES SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY SO UGLY the end

Non-Goblins Are Unintelligent
by Igrak Frog-Eat of the Bone Whistle Tribe
Translated by Marco Denno Pommia

Humans
Humans are everywhere, and they don’t like goblins. They eloquently denounce goblins and shoot us with arrows. Sometimes I steal fish from a human stealthily. I like to eat those fish because they are good. I am vastly intelligent. Once, a human saw me but was unable to catch me. Because of this, I was so happy that I laughed at him. “Haha ha haha ha,” was how I laughed. Humans are so unintelligent for not catching me and letting me take the fish. I also saw other humans before, but I ran away quickly because humans and goblins hold animosity toward one another. A goblin from the Mud Lump Tribe told me that humans have killed many goblins in another swamp.

Dwarves
Dwarves don’t live around here. Only one goblin I know has seen dwarves before. Guk Muskrat-Tail-Cut has told me that dwarves yell loud and hate goblins more than humans do. I doubt it. Guk also said that dwarves do not like the swamp. I don’t understand how one can dislike the swamp. It has fish, leaves, and mud. The swamp has it all!

Elves
I saw an elf once: just one elf. She performed magic not to kill goblins, but instead to disappear. I didn’t see her anymore. She simply vanished. A Mud Lump Tribe goblin told me that many elves were with the humans when they killed the goblins in the other swamp, so I’m scared of elves. Sometimes I think I see an elf in the distance, but upon closer inspection it turns out to have been the dead turtle I tied to a tree and forgot about. Then I remember the turtle tree and it causes overwhelming joy.

Gnomes
I wrote a song, and I hope you enjoy it: I hate gnomes I hate gnomes I hate gnomes I hate gnomes they are so ugly they are so ugly they are so ugly they are so ugly (etc.) the end.